Journey of Life
I have a heavy heart filled with anxiety today as my Mum and Dad are en route to their boat in France. It is long journey and for the first time Dad will be driving because Mum is no longer able to with her Vascular Dementia. I have mixed feelings about this trip. I am sad that they are going because it is likely this trip will make Mum’s condition worsen as the confusion she will experience at times will be unhelpful on the journey her life is taking her. I am also feeling a mixture of dread, anger, anxiety and a childish notion deep within of missing them. All my life when Mum and Dad have gone overseas I have felt as if something is missing! I am 46 years old and this is still the case but now it is surrounded with many other more powerful emotions.
There are so many what ifs with this trip! I understand that this will be their last time on their boat and after 28 years of enjoying times on her it will be a sad farewell to the past and the future they are walking towards is everything but bright. Life is a funny thing, a precious thing but when you can see the end closer than you want and the journey to it to be a dark and lonely place it makes it all so damn cruel! At this point I am not sure who any of this is worse for, Mum or Dad. In many ways it will be for Dad as the clarity of his mind and the agility of his body is not waning any more than it should naturally at his age, Mum however is perhaps the opposite of all those things. It is a cruel twist of fate that Dad the retired Doctor who has helped hundreds if not thousands of people get better from their illness is now looking after the one person he hoped would look after him in his old age as they ventured into their twilight side by side.
I am also feeling anxious about all that they are doing because I know that this trip to their boat is a fool hardy journey which will more than likely be cut short and will not bring forth new happy memories but stifled mutterings of times gone by. I just hope that Dad is able to take the closure he needs from the boat before packing up and coming home. Only time will tell and only Dad will know just how hard it is going to be. I worry about Mum because more and more she calls me with a shallow voice wracked with worry and one kind word from me will bring her to tears. She has so many uncontrolled emotions to cope with and no coping strategy in place. I really do hope she comes home from this trip the same as she has left but I fear the trip and stress of it all will make things worse. We will have to wait and see.
I do sense that this is going to be very hard on them both and in the moments of clarity they will laugh and reminisce together with their boating friends who are still out there.
Bon Voyage et Bon Chance!