Square trying to connect with a Circle

I am like a square trying to connect with a circle! I often wonder at my own curious character and how I have not developed the ability to build friendships the conventional way! I do have lots of people around me who I think of as friends but there is a distinct lack of long lasting deep friendships in my life and always have been through all of its twists and turns. This used to be a problem which I dwelled on and dragged my down often into dark moods and lonely places, now I am at peace with ‘who I am’ and I focus more on the ‘why am I?’.

A thought came to me and I likened myself to a square trying to fit into circle! Bits of me fit in and in lots of different ways but fundamentally I am not able to fit completely and therefore create a link, which symbolises the bond of friendship. There are lots of circles who fit into other circles and bond to form long lasting friendships and these circles link with other circles and create friendship groups. Outside of these circles you find those of us who are squares! We want to fit into the circles but we simply cannot and some of the circles want to fit with us and try but after trying and trying and failing they gravitate back to their linking circle of friends. We are still on the periphery of the circle of friends but never actually become part of the circle.

This describes the ‘who am I’ but I want to understand the ‘why’ and I think that this journey of discovery, which is just beginning, will be a very interesting one.

Are you a circle or a square?

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Solitude can get lonely

Some days I feel suffocated by life around me and I wish for some sanctuary in solitude but this weekend I have found that solitude can get lonely. You often hear the expression, be careful what you wish for and I understand what it means.

Whilst the house has been full of kids playing and laughter resonating round the house and garden I have found that I feel very alone and am clearing up the mess left in the wake of all the others playful carnage. I guess this is the role of the mother but the mother needs more sometimes.

I am interupted all the time by those who need me and those who I love but they don’t think to ask if I want anything else other than to serve. Honestly, right now I just want a hug!

Feeling lonely in a crowd of laughter is peculiar.

Solution, write, listen to loud music and have a glass of vino. Sunday roast and family time to be served in 10 minutes so to the kitchen I shall go.

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Ravens Law

Ravens Law – If I was a bird sitting in a tree house up high looking down on everybody I too would have a different perspective on life! I’m not a raven, I used to be a ‘bird’ but now I’m a mother and as such I look at life through my children’s futures eyes. There are so many things in life to block your way to make you confused about what you want in life. Life really is simple and should seem clear, black and white but with all the blue light, computers and choices/confusion so many of us have lost our way. It is even a hot topic on the TV at the moment anxiety and peoples mental health. I find it curious that as we all travel our personal course in life ultimately we all reach the same conclusions. The simplest conclusion being that life is what we make it and if we make it great we will be happy, however,  greatness does not come in the form of lots of money,  greatness is achievement, love, to be loved, friendship and family. Don’t lose sight of what is important for you and don’t lose sight of your level of perspective, everybody is personal, everybody is different and yet we do seek the same – happiness, contentment,  fulfillment.

This is of course just my personal opinion!

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No Speeding

I do hope this sign in the woods is intended for vehicles only as if it is for dogs as well we have broken all the rules. The dogs unending energy and enthusiasm to run, chase squirrels, leaves and each other is wonderful to watch and on slower days exhausting to behold! Yesterday once the rain had finally abated the sunshine came out and it cast a wonderful light on the trees leaving a silvery glow. It is truly beautiful  when nature is left to be as natural as it has been for centuries and we are immensely lucky to be surrounded by so many places of outstanding beauty in our neck of the woods.

There is something very liberating about running with the dogs through quiet woodland. It is MOD land so is very often empty yet on occasions it is full of soldiers in training turning it into a less than tranquil woods. However for the few days they train a year it is balanced by the many days nature is left to grow. Thank you to the MOD for letting the public share your beautiful land.

Right proper work beckons. Until the next time. Have a fantastic day.

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Under Pressure

It did make me giggle this morning as I squeezed into my running kit! First time this year and as I peel the lycra running tights on I thought, I must have shrunk these in the wash last year! Of course I didn’t my mind instantly thought it would be amusing to blame the washing machine for their tightness not the over indulgence of eating over the festive season!!

So my first run of the year complete! Only 2 miles but better than surfing the sofa with another slice of Christmas cake!! I am optimistic that if it only takes 2 weeks to put on half a stone then surely I can lose it again in 2 weeks it will just not be as much fun losing it as it was gaining it! Why is alcohol fattening, that just does not seem fair and why are all the yummy foods sooooooooo bad for you! Life is a muddle in so many ways!

Right, today I must get some real work done, I must I must but oh it is just so hard to focus. I take my hat off to my husband who is straight back in the grove. Perhaps working for someone else has the effect of motivation which working at home seems to lack this week! It is finding the discipline for myself which is the hardest but to succeed I have to achieve and I have to work to get things done so onwards and upwards!  Have a lovely day.

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Back to School

Kids and parents are dragging their feet back to school today. We wanted more time at home post Christmas to enjoy but alas the timetable of life did not allow 🙁

This morning many of us will be cleaning, drinking coffee with friends, walking the dogs at leisure and taking stock of the holidays and all the fun shared together. The gyms will be full of enthusiastic new members with new years hope of that perfect figure and the pavements are being pounded what ever the weather by dusted down trainers as many of us try to run off the Christmas paunch!

I have to admit the house does feel rather strange and quiet this morning. I have cleaned, vacuumed, mopped and am about the take the dogs out for a well waited for walk but I wanted to check in to give a shout out to all of you in the same boat today and wish you a very happy Monday.

Time marches on and life never lingers long enough for all the good stuff to soak in but take a moment today if you can and reflect on what you have and who you have and what makes you happy.

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Family Walk

Today started slowly as we all knew today is the last day of the holidays and honestly after the last 10 days, it is with a sad heart that we know tomorrow is life back to normal. The boys back to school and Hubby back to London to work. I will rattle around in an empty house cleaning no doubt thinking about the fantastic Christmas holidays we have had.

Today once all up and dressed we braved the wet and took the dogs for a family walk. Walking through the woods together has to be the best thing to do on a winters Sunday morning and to see the smiles on all our faces was cathartic and wonderful all at the same time. After our walk we head out to buy new mattresses for us all. It is amazing to think that our mattress is finally going to be replaced after suffering the weight of 2 pregnancies. We literally can not wait for their delivery! The mattresses that is!!  Happy day today and many happy days ahead.

All of this highlights that it is the little things which make us who we are and why we are happy. Now I shall tend to the oven as our Sunday Roast is nearly ready to serve. Our weekly ritual of family, food and laughter and long may it continue.

Happy Sunday to you all

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Happy New Year 2016

Like so many of us a new year makes us look at life with a whole new perspective. I am certainly looking at this new year with a new vigour on life and and a clearer perspective. 2015 was the year I took a journey I did not know I needed to travel but it was the most enlightening and essential journey of my adult life I have taken to date. This new year I am going to grab opportunities with both hands and get life, family and work back on track! The tracks we will travel will be First Class because if we don’t reach for the sky why bother looking up!

I wish you all a very happy new year and this year my blog will take a turn from mind management to mind dumping. In essence I intend to make this blog more of a diary of this little lady rather than a ramble!

Have I mentioned to you before that I am a yarn lover! I have been crocheting now for a year and this year I am starting to knit! My husband has requested that I don’t start quilting next year!!  LOL. I am a firm believer that having a hobby helps keep the balance in a very crazy world we will all live in. My hobbies are the best balancing tool I have. What is your hobby?

 

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Our mind is like an Onion

The slow demise of a loved ones mind is enough to put a clear perspective on life and the thoughts we often like to wallow in. We should be grateful that we have the clarity of mind to understand our emotions, remember our thoughts and the ability to comprehend ordinary things in life. Today someone I love dearly was sitting in their own house asking when they were going home! “You are home” I said. The stark reality of their future was staring me in the face and honestly I am terrified for them, for us and hope that in the coming months of healing things will improve. However, whilst this is a possibility, for me, it does not feel like a reality, if it is not then life as we have always known it will be changed for ever more.

“Life is like a box of chocolates” I have quoted before but in this case our mind is like an onion and once the layers start peeling away and are lost there is no way back. If you have a relative you love but have not told them for a while, please tell them today, hug them today if they are near. I have taken so many things for granted over the years and today I have a sense of regret and I wish I had told them more how much I truly do love them.

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My Adult Cyber bullying

To sum up 2015, without the love and support of my long suffering husband and two children 2015 would definitely have been the year social media broke me. For the past six years social media has been a dominant feature in my life through an accident of fate when I created the group which now has a over 8,000 members. During these years as  admin I have received numerous messages and telephone calls from people I don’t know who just want to say negative things to me! I have had my life threatened, my business attacked, my integrity questioned and the safety of my family jeopardised as well as being told on numerous occasions that I am the most hated person in town! If somebody tells you that you are the most hated person enough times you start to believe it and this has been the main reason why I have changed from the outgoing, happy person I remember being to the insulated, insular, quiet person who stays at home. The four walls of the house is my sanctuary but sadly the hate still breaks through the walls through social media which makes it hard mentally on me and on my family who on days see me go quickly from happy to desperately low and sad not because I’m depressed but because somebody I’ve never met before has taken it upon themselves to spew out vile typing on the computer and aim it directly in my direction. It hurts,  I can’t ignore it, I can’t let it go over the top of my head, trust me I have tried!  It gets under my skin and then into our lives and it affects me and those around me!

Why am I putting this out there through social media you might ask! I think it is important to share this and for friends who know me I ask you to please bear with me! Please understand that if I’m a bit weird round people it’s because I have lost my Joi de Vive, I’ve lost my way, my faith in human nature and in many cases my trust in other people which is not your fault it is the result of what I can only describe as adult cyber bullying and with every negative comment thrown at me it strips a little piece of me away and it’s taken long conversations with proper people and my husband to bring it round to some sense of normality. Sadly now though if one negative thing happens in my real world it has an enormous knock-on effect which is not the responsibility of anybody other than me. This is all in my head which is why it’s so real to me and it’s something that I am learning to cope with.   I have every intention of managing my life and friendships better moving forwards and of being the crazy out going, fun loving person I used. That Chick is in there somewhere desperately desperately trying to get out!

Social Media can be the pariah of pain, the sharer of joy and a wealth or useful, fun and useless information the later is why we love it. If I did not use it to connect with family and friends I would delete all my social media accounts which would be the best way to remove the chaff but family and friends are so important they are who we are!  I do however, believe that in the long run Social Media ironically will be our social downfall! The irony! For now Carpe Diem.

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