Losing Mum

I went to see mum yesterday who’s failing memory it seems we have chosen to turn a blind eye to, came to a point where it could no longer be ignored. My alarm bell turned to jungle drums after a call from Dad. For nearly two years there has been a noticeable change in Mum and after a month of various peculiar phone calls ranging from “hello who are you? I found your phone number in my phone” followed by a phone call from Dad asking me to explain to Mum that she’s at home I had to go and see Mum face to face to try to understand what is happening and how it is being managed.

The catalyst was Dad who telephoned to ask me to explain to Mum where she was.  At the time she was sitting in her chair on the phone with her precious cat on her lap and she very emotionally said, “I just want to go home! I don’t want to stay here anymore, I miss all my things at home and John will not let me go home. Why can I not go home to Kingfishers?” In truth at this point I was completely blind-sided. I knew Mum had memory issues post operation (she has recently had open heart surgery) but now 5 months post operation, we were all optimistic that she would return to her old self again.  This is clearly not the case and Dad has been quietly keeping this to himself and coping with all of it alone! I know at the time of the call that Mum is phoning me from Kingfishers as Dad has called me from their landline and it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her she is at home she can not comprehend it!!  I jump into the car as soon as I have childcare sorted here to go and see her.

When I arrive it all seems normal and we chat, hug and laugh. Dad seems uneasy, perhaps because he does not want me to state the obvious and say, “Mum it is likely you have early onset Dementia” or something along those lines. Dad is protecting Mum or is he protecting them both. I am not sure.  We dig out lots of old albums together in the house and pour over lots and lots of old photos laughing and remembering past holidays, laughing at our terrible 80’s clothes!! Through all of this though and regardless of how many photographs we show Mum of us all at Kingfishers and remind her of the many good times we have had there over the last 46 years she can not comprehend that Kingfishers is Kingfishers. Before going to see Mum I had telephoned the Dementia Helpline and talked about Mum’s symptoms to a wonderful nurse and she told me that Mum not knowing she is at home is not a false memory she has it is an emotion. The nurse suggested that Mum has an uneasy feeling of not being at home whilst being at home.

Dad, bless him, looks after her every single day and it’s wearing on him I can see it in his eyes very wearing on him and it must be tough because their dearest friends have long since gone taken by cancer and they seem to be very much alone. Their home, Kingfishers is 2 hours away from me and 4 hours away from my brother and this is the first time I have been to see them for a few months. To me, Mum is lucid and normal 80% of the time but the other 20% it is strikingly obvious to me that there is something wrong. I stayed at the kitchen table where we have spent hundreds if not thousands of family meals together looking at my mum who is so small now, eight stone two, and said “Mum, Dad, you need to go to the doctor, you need to go to specialist, you need to have a diagnosis! Is this (a) memory loss due to the medications you are on due to the recent heart surgery, (b) is this dementia or (c) is it Alzheimer’s. The conversation clearly was very emotional for Mum who had tears in her eyes and the only thing I can do is wrap my arms around her and hold her tight and let and know that I am here to support her and help her through this but we need to know what we are helping her with. Later Mum and I are talking alone upstairs and she recounts the conversation from the morning she had had with Dad, which sounded like it was a heated, angry discussion, but she stopped short of telling me what it was about.  This concerns me because a symptom of dementia or Alzheimer’s is just that anger, depression, confusion.

I had to leave soon after arriving to get back for the children here at home so I hug them both goodbye. It was tough in truth to leave them. The next day I call them to see how they are and in comes the denial! Speaking to Mum she says “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong, everything is okay.” This is after I sent the email with information on the Symptoms of Dementia and suggest when they are at their doctors later that week, they talk to the doctor. Both Mum and Dad are in denial “Oh no everything is going to be fine!” they say! Never before have I felt so angry, upset, confused, disappointed and concerned in all my life with my father and mother because they are not prepared to face up to what is happening to them.  All I want to do is offer my hand of support and yet I can see they do not want it.

I’m very worried and very concerned and I don’t know how to help. I am also frustrated that Dad is not ready for us to help and I wonder is he doing the right thing. If it were me I would want to have the proper support, medication, if there is any, and start the correct diet as all of this can make a difference in the early stages.  When will we be able to step in or when we can, will it be too little too late. All of this worries me very much indeed but we have to, for now, respect our father’s wishes. He is the carer, he is her husband and as a retired Doctor surely he should know best.

This was written on 9th March 2016. Today is 2nd May 2016 and the situation is still the same!

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Solitude can get lonely

Some days I feel suffocated by life around me and I wish for some sanctuary in solitude but this weekend I have found that solitude can get lonely. You often hear the expression, be careful what you wish for and I understand what it means.

Whilst the house has been full of kids playing and laughter resonating round the house and garden I have found that I feel very alone and am clearing up the mess left in the wake of all the others playful carnage. I guess this is the role of the mother but the mother needs more sometimes.

I am interupted all the time by those who need me and those who I love but they don’t think to ask if I want anything else other than to serve. Honestly, right now I just want a hug!

Feeling lonely in a crowd of laughter is peculiar.

Solution, write, listen to loud music and have a glass of vino. Sunday roast and family time to be served in 10 minutes so to the kitchen I shall go.

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Ravens Law

Ravens Law – If I was a bird sitting in a tree house up high looking down on everybody I too would have a different perspective on life! I’m not a raven, I used to be a ‘bird’ but now I’m a mother and as such I look at life through my children’s futures eyes. There are so many things in life to block your way to make you confused about what you want in life. Life really is simple and should seem clear, black and white but with all the blue light, computers and choices/confusion so many of us have lost our way. It is even a hot topic on the TV at the moment anxiety and peoples mental health. I find it curious that as we all travel our personal course in life ultimately we all reach the same conclusions. The simplest conclusion being that life is what we make it and if we make it great we will be happy, however,  greatness does not come in the form of lots of money,  greatness is achievement, love, to be loved, friendship and family. Don’t lose sight of what is important for you and don’t lose sight of your level of perspective, everybody is personal, everybody is different and yet we do seek the same – happiness, contentment,  fulfillment.

This is of course just my personal opinion!

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Shark Attack in Fleet Hampshire

For the last few days I have been spending all my spare time making a Sharks Tail Blanket for my eldest and last night I finally finished it!! I am so pleased with the final product and want to thank the marvellous MJ’s Off the Hook Designs for the pattern.  Love it!!

Someone asked me recently why do I love Crochet so much, it is simple, look at the joy on my boy’s face!!  Crochet keeps me sane as it is calming, creative and cathartic all at the same time and there is a never ending source or ideas for projects to be done.  What next?

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No Speeding

I do hope this sign in the woods is intended for vehicles only as if it is for dogs as well we have broken all the rules. The dogs unending energy and enthusiasm to run, chase squirrels, leaves and each other is wonderful to watch and on slower days exhausting to behold! Yesterday once the rain had finally abated the sunshine came out and it cast a wonderful light on the trees leaving a silvery glow. It is truly beautiful  when nature is left to be as natural as it has been for centuries and we are immensely lucky to be surrounded by so many places of outstanding beauty in our neck of the woods.

There is something very liberating about running with the dogs through quiet woodland. It is MOD land so is very often empty yet on occasions it is full of soldiers in training turning it into a less than tranquil woods. However for the few days they train a year it is balanced by the many days nature is left to grow. Thank you to the MOD for letting the public share your beautiful land.

Right proper work beckons. Until the next time. Have a fantastic day.

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Under Pressure

It did make me giggle this morning as I squeezed into my running kit! First time this year and as I peel the lycra running tights on I thought, I must have shrunk these in the wash last year! Of course I didn’t my mind instantly thought it would be amusing to blame the washing machine for their tightness not the over indulgence of eating over the festive season!!

So my first run of the year complete! Only 2 miles but better than surfing the sofa with another slice of Christmas cake!! I am optimistic that if it only takes 2 weeks to put on half a stone then surely I can lose it again in 2 weeks it will just not be as much fun losing it as it was gaining it! Why is alcohol fattening, that just does not seem fair and why are all the yummy foods sooooooooo bad for you! Life is a muddle in so many ways!

Right, today I must get some real work done, I must I must but oh it is just so hard to focus. I take my hat off to my husband who is straight back in the grove. Perhaps working for someone else has the effect of motivation which working at home seems to lack this week! It is finding the discipline for myself which is the hardest but to succeed I have to achieve and I have to work to get things done so onwards and upwards!  Have a lovely day.

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Back to School

Kids and parents are dragging their feet back to school today. We wanted more time at home post Christmas to enjoy but alas the timetable of life did not allow 🙁

This morning many of us will be cleaning, drinking coffee with friends, walking the dogs at leisure and taking stock of the holidays and all the fun shared together. The gyms will be full of enthusiastic new members with new years hope of that perfect figure and the pavements are being pounded what ever the weather by dusted down trainers as many of us try to run off the Christmas paunch!

I have to admit the house does feel rather strange and quiet this morning. I have cleaned, vacuumed, mopped and am about the take the dogs out for a well waited for walk but I wanted to check in to give a shout out to all of you in the same boat today and wish you a very happy Monday.

Time marches on and life never lingers long enough for all the good stuff to soak in but take a moment today if you can and reflect on what you have and who you have and what makes you happy.

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Family Walk

Today started slowly as we all knew today is the last day of the holidays and honestly after the last 10 days, it is with a sad heart that we know tomorrow is life back to normal. The boys back to school and Hubby back to London to work. I will rattle around in an empty house cleaning no doubt thinking about the fantastic Christmas holidays we have had.

Today once all up and dressed we braved the wet and took the dogs for a family walk. Walking through the woods together has to be the best thing to do on a winters Sunday morning and to see the smiles on all our faces was cathartic and wonderful all at the same time. After our walk we head out to buy new mattresses for us all. It is amazing to think that our mattress is finally going to be replaced after suffering the weight of 2 pregnancies. We literally can not wait for their delivery! The mattresses that is!!  Happy day today and many happy days ahead.

All of this highlights that it is the little things which make us who we are and why we are happy. Now I shall tend to the oven as our Sunday Roast is nearly ready to serve. Our weekly ritual of family, food and laughter and long may it continue.

Happy Sunday to you all

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Happy New Year 2016

Like so many of us a new year makes us look at life with a whole new perspective. I am certainly looking at this new year with a new vigour on life and and a clearer perspective. 2015 was the year I took a journey I did not know I needed to travel but it was the most enlightening and essential journey of my adult life I have taken to date. This new year I am going to grab opportunities with both hands and get life, family and work back on track! The tracks we will travel will be First Class because if we don’t reach for the sky why bother looking up!

I wish you all a very happy new year and this year my blog will take a turn from mind management to mind dumping. In essence I intend to make this blog more of a diary of this little lady rather than a ramble!

Have I mentioned to you before that I am a yarn lover! I have been crocheting now for a year and this year I am starting to knit! My husband has requested that I don’t start quilting next year!!  LOL. I am a firm believer that having a hobby helps keep the balance in a very crazy world we will all live in. My hobbies are the best balancing tool I have. What is your hobby?


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Our mind is like an Onion

The slow demise of a loved ones mind is enough to put a clear perspective on life and the thoughts we often like to wallow in. We should be grateful that we have the clarity of mind to understand our emotions, remember our thoughts and the ability to comprehend ordinary things in life. Today someone I love dearly was sitting in their own house asking when they were going home! “You are home” I said. The stark reality of their future was staring me in the face and honestly I am terrified for them, for us and hope that in the coming months of healing things will improve. However, whilst this is a possibility, for me, it does not feel like a reality, if it is not then life as we have always known it will be changed for ever more.

“Life is like a box of chocolates” I have quoted before but in this case our mind is like an onion and once the layers start peeling away and are lost there is no way back. If you have a relative you love but have not told them for a while, please tell them today, hug them today if they are near. I have taken so many things for granted over the years and today I have a sense of regret and I wish I had told them more how much I truly do love them.

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